A thousand voices singing reasons of understanding why it happens...

Suddenly, I can't stop my eyes from watering...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

So close your eyes but don't dream too deep...

 Please pass me some memories...

As the horizon fades into grey and the clouds converge on the graceful passion spirit of this evening I have a reason to think that I'm forgiven of all that I've been forgetting. I forgot, how could I forget. So I guess this is it. It's not that I couldn't feel, it's just the fact that i've been feeling this whole time.
This one moment allows for everything to be different. That's just my luck. You see it's something like this, overwhelmed is just that. Overwhelming. This time I need to speak to myself rather than someone else. 

I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm not sure that I should expect anything. All my greatest adventures have been impromptu up to this point. They promise that one day I'll find what I'm looking for. Contentment is my friend for the time being. You see it is 2013 after all.

"It's for life...and I'm going to live a long time."

This year, I make my own luck...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTrT158J0FU

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Son, make canvas of coastlines so I know where I stand....

“The skeleton key unlocks the mind and swings open the door of imagination. A far better place than here A much safer place than there The quintessential somewhere The mystical nowhere The enigmatic anywhere My gift to you - the key to everywhere.
The mortal will find itself lost while the soul always knows the way it is grateful for the darkness and celebrates the day

I can give you peace my peace I give you... but I cannot be your savior or your god - I cannot be the light along your path - I can only give you the lamp and point the way.

The blind will see... the deaf will hear... but those who choose reason will never understand.

Woe to the ones who think they know the answers they will cease to ask the questions that may be their own salvation.

We possess the knowledge of the Universe from conception. Once born we are taught to forget.

If we cannot look out at our world and see our children's vision then we are truly blind we are unable to lead them to paradise.

"Even people who are in the dark search for their shadows. Shadows exist only if there is light. We will never find total darkness - not even in death... ...and we always cast a shadow no matter how overcast our skies become. You are never alone."

Do not listen to the voice that shouts to you from behind desks behind podiums, behind altars. Do not pay attention to the orators and the opportunists. Do not be distracted by the promises made behind masks. Listen to the quiet. Listen to the whispers as they gently guide you through the assaults of man's absurdities. Listen to the gentle breathing of your mother and lay your head to rest in her peace and in her warm embrace and understand that truth and power lie within you. Breathe silence.

The free bird will always return to the cage sooner or later to seek food and water and the loving hand of it's caretaker.”


--- M. Teresa Clayton

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

God, I need grace bigger than mouth. I need mercy that resounds ten thousand times as loud...

I wonder why there are so many anti-heroes in the real world. More than that I wonder why the anti heroes  command my respect more than the traditional ones. Like I've been telling everybody lately, I find myself equally attracted and repulsed by my influences and contemporaries these days. I'm not quite sure how that works. It's probably because I know who and what I want to be, but I'm either not sure how to get there, or I'm just too lazy.  My previous fears about being unintelligent were somewhat fruitless. Either that or I really am stupid and hard work really does pay off. Funny how I really didn't work that hard.

"Never compromise...not even in the face of Armageddon..."

Too late for that. The end of the world is today and I haven't done a thing about it. All these electronics are starting to get to me. Don't get me wrong, I love the beats but they're starting to worry me. I'm no tree hugging free Mason-type hipster, but I do sometimes worry about the long term effects of processed food, long computer exposure, and volume indexing.

Truth is, she's just so far out of my league it's not even funny. I'm playing it cool for now and it doesn't really matter which way the inferences flow.  The line was clearly drawn for me, and I won't ignore that. I can respect boundaries, but I can stretch them...I suppose. Doesn't help that I've lost touch with reality. I knew what true love felt like once, but It's been a long time. It's kind of like how as you get older you remember the taste of your favorite dishes, but whenever you eat them, they never taste as sweet. I'll find it someday, that is if I live that long. There are still things I'd like to experience, but I've got to shake this feeling somehow. If i was grieving I'd be somewhere in between the bargaining and depression stage. I think this what they call impurity.

Afterall, it's 2:20 a.m. and I'm just here blogging again. That's cute. Not really sure what good it does for me or anyone else. I'm the only one who reads this anymore. It was always for me in the first place, so if you're reading this right now, I might be insulting you.

"What's one more body amongst foundations?"

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

And when I get there, it won't be far enough...

"Like a sculptor, if necessary,
carve a friend out of stone.
Realize that your inner sight is blind
and try to see a treasure in everyone.”

- Rumi

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Without warning there was this total eclipse of the sun!

Sometimes, when I'm talking and people don't get it. It's times like that I really feel like doing stuff like this...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

You can use this as you will, but I won't cross my fingers yet...

 Somewhere out there, my future is waiting for me. I don't have a blind faith, but I do have a faith that is willing to close it's eyes and take the fall...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Can't you see, I'm what you're looking for?

There is so much learning in the world. There are so many things to consider. How do I sort out what is most important? Still working on that one. I at least know what I want to find...

 "In all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory, or an unjust interest." - William Penn



"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

We keep the cash on deck...

I've got a confession to make. Sometimes, I will use big words because they sound like they fit in my sentence...without really knowing what they mean. Then I go look up the definition later. Sometimes it comes back to bite me...

You're welcome.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Poets do not go mad, but chess-players do...

         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZh5a2UAL5Y

            Something seems a bit off. It might be because I don't know what I'm thinking, but it might be because I know almost too well. You see a problem I’ve been having lately is that I've become incredibly sane, incredibly aware of what it is that's around me.  I find myself searching for oddities, possibilities, strange things and holes in the middle of society, but they've always been sewn up.  Even as I speak I stand at the window of my apartment without the slightest inclination that I'm to jump. I gaze at the street below to see the people going about their business and wondering how many of them are oppressed as I am. Slaves to their own society. You might look at me and say that I simply been watching Fight Club too much. 

            Actually what’s wrong is that I’m missing something, a sense of wonderment bewilderment that has passed me by for far too long.  I don't know where it’s gone and I'm not sure how to get it back. Everyone else around me is either questioning too much or not questioning enough, so where does that leave me? Only the ones that I look up to the most are silent.  Yeah I know it's the same old song and dance and I've heard all the songs played so many times before. But it's always my words that don't come out right. It's always the words of others that bewilder me. Heaven have mercy on me and me lack of control. I lost an ambulance race down the street. With it’s lights on and siren blaring, it was the only sense of urgency anywhere in this town. The only source of desperation I could find. I'm almost drawn to the desperation. Something about desperation makes one feel alive.  Now I'm just talking crazy. Has reason made me so beautifully crazy that I am now reasonable?

 I'm not sure I'll be fine in the morning, so don’t wait to find out.

 



"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

If all you were was a stepping stone, then at least I know where not to go...

                 I hate failure. Not measuring up, missing the mark, falling short of the goal. That feeling after I think something through and say, "Man...where did that all go wrong?" It's been happening alot as of late. I can't seem to escape this overwhelming sense of duty that constantly goes unfulfilled. For the first time in my life, I've actually begun to give up on some of lost causes. I'd like to think that it's in favor of a more realistic approach, but sometimes the details inevitably get lost in translation somewhere. People start to hate you for that, at least their opinion of you changes. Does anybody believe me yet when I say that I don't care? I think they're starting to get the picture.

             Maybe that's why I stopped setting goals for myself. I know, I know, that sounds bad, but it's really not as provocative as it may seem. Walk on me to get where you need to go. Step on me just to keep on keeping on. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere.

"God knows, I won't live a lie..."

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

I've wanted to forget, I'm trying to forget...

"Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning." - Elie Wiesel

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

So here's to living life, miserable

My nerves will be the death of me, I know.  But at least I won't be alone tonight.

I am intollerent of tolerance. Acceptance of everything becomes the ultimate apathy towards the very fabric of life itself. No standard  of the sublime kills the righteous. I despise science, it only thinks itself important in arrogance. Only does it gain the upperhand by asking another question. Such a logical fallacy can't stand even under the facade of it's own sanctums.

I don't see the difference between what is required of me and what the rest of the world wants, I've been so long at trying to make my efforts matter that somewhere along the line I just gave up. Being the patron saint of lost causes will wear on a soul after a while. I just wasn't witty enough for them, or my hair wasn't crazy enough. Maybe it's just because I have bad breath. I don't know, it doesn't really matter anyway.


Sometimes  there are just too many people walking in and out of the door marked "employee's only." I know I'm not suppose to be back there and so I stay out, but everyone who waltzes back and forth on that precipice seems to know something that I don't. They have some sense of profound peace which is just out of my gasp. They're certainly not in uniform.

What do I care, my legs and ears hurt and I can't stand the sight of all the pretty girls walking by, each with their empty eyes and casual shuffle. It's all starting to get to me, and I know that it's my fault.


Lord, keep your promises to me, please.

I can't save myself from this overwhelming pressure.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Between heaven and hell, I've got no home...

Well would you look at that. We're already two weeks into the semester and I haven't posted my back to school playlist yet.  I'm getting old folks...losing my mind.

Well without further ado...


Sunday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jkVphnx2cE

Monday- http://papercandle.bandcamp.com/track/keepsakes

Tuesday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG28dsH0ui8

Wednesday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGYObAx-rbg

Thursday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLukHntn_bE

Friday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0BWlvnBmIE

Saturday- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNxqPeJMNKk

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

We will never sleep as long as everybody sings...

It wasn't until I grew up a bit that I was able to learn things for myself. Even then, I always learned the hard way. Most of the time I would choose the most difficult path to the top, and if you would have asked me, I would have known it. Maybe that's why I always used to feel like I was failing. No matter how hard I would try, everything would always fall apart in front of my eyes.

Then help would always come from the most unlikely of places. I learned that prayer really is answered. I learned that teachers are sometimes lost in the background. I learned that prestige is deceitful. I learned that  Love is faceless. I learned that the night is alive, and can't be controlled. I truly pray that the authority figures in my life don't think me rebellious, but I'm civilly restless.

And still in love with the shadows.


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=0lGycT8aXm0&feature=endscreen

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Cold light above us.

Stuff is messed up. People are messed up. The world is messed up. The funny thing about all of that is, so am I.  I never asked for any of this.

Some people tell me that I've matured, gained some experience. The only thing I feel like I've gained is new weight. I'm afraid to walk down dark streets now. Even worse than the fear, is the apathy. I just have the same old questions that I used to, and I still know each one's answer. There's not much of me left anymore, is there? I would hope not. Some part of me still feels, still hopes, something. Right? I do know one thing. I'm not worthy of it. That's always been true. If I deserved absolution I would still be too oblivious to see it when it looked in my window.

Why do I have the funny feeling like I've been here before? Could the cycle be beginning again?

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

She shows me everything she used to know, picture frames and country roads...

"A lawful kiss is never worth as much as a stolen one."
— Guy de Maupassant

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Too Close

If I had a small box that I could keep all my friends in I would take care of them all.
We'd live together in harmony and enjoy each others' company.
You've got to tell me if you want to live in that box though. I won't keep you if you don't want it.


"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

All those fariy tales are full of it...

I once wrote that the closer my dreaming comes to reality, the farther you fade from attainable.  Little did I know how true that was. Everyday I'm coming to realize it more. I know so because I had that dream again. This time it was a different scene, but I felt that familiar sting.

It's the same sort of feeling I get when I'm standing on my front porch and the rain is coming. The clouds are dark and powerful, but I'm not afraid of them. Instead, I welcome them as they advance threatening to wash my life away. I'm not afraid of the storm. I always knew that behind the power, behind all of the strength and danger, the power of renewal was coming. That was the rain of course. You always seemed to me like the storm. Overwhelming, but worth enjoying. That, my dear, is a true statement to this very day.

 All of the lights ahead of me were green, the road was clear, the sun was setting. Now I can't decided if they're white or if they're brown. I guess that's the tragedy of being color blind, not being able to enjoy the world as it was meant to be. When you're so bent on believing what you see and not what you're told, things start to get a little blurry. "This is red! This is green!" Well that doesn't help me much anymore, I can't tell the difference. I just know I was holding something important. I was holding it close, and I was okay. I was ready for the future.


I really was the man who never lied, not even to myself. I knew you admired honesty. I wasn't lying when I told you I loved you. I'm just a day late and a dollar short...

 And still dreaming...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Levels

Sometimes all of the chemicals just fall into place. Your mind becomes a straight tunnel, lit on both ends. Racing down the highway at speeds understandable to none but the pilots.

It's not until you hit the brick wall in front of you that you remember your family. It's not big deal, you just left them somewhere in the dust cloud gathering behind you.


Amidst the burning wreckage you sit up and survey the damage. You feel weak, like you've lost your direction. It's then that as all your bohemian friends gather around, suddenly you realize.

"Something  here is very, very, very wrong."


"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Sine Die...

"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion..."

-  Cyril Northcote Parkinson

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Big.

I wouldn't like to be one
of the walrus people
for the rest of my life
but I wish I could spend
one sunny afternoon
lying on the rocks with them.

I suspect it would be similar
to drinking beer in a tavern
that caters to longshoremen
and won't admit women.
We'd exchange no
cosmic secrets.  I'd merely say,
"How yuh doin' you big old walrus?"
and the nearest of
the walrus people
would answer,
"Me? I'm doin' great.
How yuh doin' yourself,
you big old human being, you?"
 
How good it is to share
the earth with such creatures
and how unthinkable it would have been
to have missed all this
by not being born:
a happy thought, that,
for not being born is
the only tragedy
that we can imagine
but never fear.
 

~ Alden Nowlan ~

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

We're making it look easy!

"Dude! It's like Christmas morning!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooppeeeeee... It's just a grocery trip."

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Love is an inkless pen...

 "If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
-Carl Sagan

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

American Secrets.

"To the end that justice be established, public order maintained, and liberty perpetuated; We, the People of the State of Indiana, grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to choose our own form of government, do ordain this Constitution..."

- Preamble to the Constitution of the State of Indiana, June 10th, 1816

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2KWCGN1DxA

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."