Drag me out alive...

"The single most notable feature of freedom is its humility. It defers to the results of human action and does not attempt to design them in advance."-Leonard Read


"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

But I think, "The older I get..."

                
             As of tonight, I have been a Christian for 10 years.

                White knuckles gripping the pew, hearing the words of the preacher I had heard hundreds of times over, I began to truly realize the gravity of life and its sublime wavering. “I am in danger…I am repulsive…I am responsible…” Sitting here now, I can only reflect on all the moments etched into my mind. Each memory echoes with the mist of ripened identity, an identity that is not my own. “I am valuable…Life is precious… Sacrifice is righteous.” In my pursuit of Christ, I have come in contact with that which is most consequential. I am trailing something deliberate. I am in the midst of something visceral. I am on the edge of something celestial.

                What began as a travail of fear has now become my labor of love. What was once an obligation is now the only path of living. It is my lifeblood. It is my substance. It is the only good thing about me. The beautiful thing about that is that I could never have made that first step on my own. Truly I am nothing more than a culmination of those who have poured themselves into me. The sense of community and longing I feel is what keeps me here in Faith. In the smallest of embers, I can radiate the nature of my God. Many years ago, God the Father reached out across the void seeking be known and thus He created. Here and now, He awakens that same desire in me.

                I recently had an old friend tell me that they were proud of the person I become. I can’t say how much that means to me. To know that others see me as one they can trust, as one they can rely on this keeps me grounded. However, if I was to be honest with you I would have to say that they couldn’t be farther from knowing the truth. I’m not yet proud of the man that I’ve become. I am no longer plagued by the demons which I once thought unconquerable, but I’m far from where I need to be. I am and forever will be a man who is most intimately aware of his own flaws. Don’t try to console me and tell me I am good. Don’t tell me I am trying. I am utterly weak as the day I was baptized.

“I will stand at my watch

    and station myself on the ramparts;

I will look to see what he will say to me,

    and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

    He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

    He enables me to tread on the heights…”

May I always be ready for the correction that comes forth. May I always rise to stand on higher planes with the eager push of My Father. Lord grant me the serenity to rise to the challenge.

“All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure” – 1 John 3:3

What was it J. C Ryle said?

           'No,' he replied, 'I am serious; for all are serious round about me. God is serious in observing us,- Christ is serious in interceding for us,- The Spirit is serious in striving with us-The truths of God are serious,-our spiritual enemies are serious in their endeavors to ruin us,-poor lost sinners are serious in hell,-and why then should not you and I be serious too?' Oh! Young men, learn to be thoughtful. Learn to consider what you are doing, and whither you are going. Make time for calm reflection. Commune with your own heart, and be still. Do not be lost merely for want of thought."

                May I forever be lost in the midst of thought. May those around me always be lost in thought also.

                If you were to ask me how I truly am any given day, I would tell you the same thing every time.

               “I’m not ok. I’m never ok.”

                It’s difficult to labor under this strange feeling of sorrow and convalescence. At its core, the struggle is a lack of understanding. How exactly does one cope with the sorrow of a sin torn world and the joy of a hope in salvation? “We praise the banker that we may overdraw our account and find good qualities in the highwayman in the hope that he may spare our pockets.” I don’t know how to balance these things. In the face of these thoughts I can only raise my own Ebenezer. May these stones of remembrance stand firm in the face of the years. May the dust of our actions rise only as far as the heart of our Father can carry them. To those who seek to be human and nothing less, you are not alone. May we stay “within and without simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” I’m here stuck in the same insecurity I’ve always known. I’m no teacher. I’m no hero. I’m nothing more than one who wants to be better than my friends might say. “I just want a small part in your passion play.” I can only express one overwhelming feeling. In the midst of the cadence of our lives, here in this moment, I am grateful. Thank you.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."