Time out of mind must be heavenly...

Hm, how to say this without sounding repetitive? I'm tired of letting the lyrics speak for me. That's the lazy man's way out of self expression.

In the past year I've made a certain progression in the right direction. At least that's what I tell myself in the darkest moments, and see? That's just the thing. I don't have dark moments anymore. I don't have incredibly happy ones anymore either. Things pass me by in a whir of apathetic convalescence. All at the same time, I feel like I should be standing on my own two feet and leading the way without flinching, while also healing from some great calamity. Stuck in the middle is a strange place to be. That's not a new feeling though; this impotence has been a friend of mine for a while now. I just happened to be distracted by this and that, always caused by a false sense of self worth. One can only hear so many different opinions before the decision comes.

"Hang it all! I don't care anymore. You don't know who I am and could never begin to understand!"

Dude, seriously though... I'm too old to be pulling 13-year-old "You don't understand me" stunts.

The truth of the matter is I'm tired of failing, and changing, and being insincere, and saying what I don't mean, and not upholding my own ideals, and spilling my guts, and being used, and not finding what I'm really looking for. I can't keep watching A Walk To Remember and crying every time. I'm not even sure what I'm crying about, for crying out loud!!! I guess I'm never quite sure to deal with the things that God places in my life. I'll always face the changes and hope for the worst discovering in the end that it's not quite that bad. Maybe this massive change looming on my horizon will shake me out of this...if it doesn't, then I don't know what will.

I used to pray that my conscience wouldn't harden, and now I pray that it won't have too.

But in the end, it's funny how I was always fine being a novelty...

...until the moment it mattered most.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."