Thrive.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

And now I just sit in silence...

I've got brown hair, but I grow a ginger beard. Maybe that's the reason that you're not here. Some crazy people they say I'm kinda blonde, But I'm not so sure that'll  they'll stick around. Cuz as I get older my hair will only recede, and waking up with you will be all I need. I'll only get so far until I fix my bedhead, "You don't love me," is all I know that she ever said.

So this is an ode to all of the above as we all leave behind all of our love. We've got our own cause, so kindly hold your applause while we sign up for new gun control laws. Waiting on a time when no one can rhyme, and no more doubters ask for a sign. I'll speak only the truth while she raises the roof and screams for the sake of every youth.

I'm not a revolutionary, I'm just innovative with too much food on my contemplative mind is leaking faster now, I can't seem to stop the coming disaster now. I know the wind, I know the rain,  oh please come now, please don't be late! Renege the weatherman, I'm in charge now, revenge the sinking sand, rise up from the ground and tell the dead that they're obsolete. We'll never really taste defeat.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

And I couldn't sleep...

Sometimes, I wonder what the heroes of the faith would do if they were standing next to me today.
Would Paul have words of wisdom? Would David burst into song? Would Esther persuade my companions?  I'm not sure. Instead I've got to stand in my own shoes shrugging my shoulders and grinning. My place is behind the scenes. Whenever I step into the forefront of the room I end up putting my foot in my mouth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGoRfPeUCIQ

I'm not always at a loss for words, but when I am it's out of insufficiency. You'd think I'd be comfortable in my own skin by now, but that's just the problem. It's all inside. I refuse to believe that people aren't as complex as they seem. Granted, among the shallow and feeble minded, I'm king. But the story that some have to tell just isn't one for me to know. I'm comfortable being unimportant. I'm content to convalesce. The salience of my existence is so small that somehow people are convinced that I'm worth something. You don't need to read another sentence about me and what I can contribute to this world, because it's nothing. The very notion of self is one of selfish misconduct and I refuse to be self centered any longer. That's why I don't write here anymore, because whatever ends up here is selfish and self deprecating.

"Blessed are the meek...for they shall inherit the earth"

Teaching those who do not have, now that has meaning. Establishing those who come after me, now that has value. Preparing the way, now that is salient. I guess that's why God invented the Church. The Holy Spirit guides everywhere, but it sure is nice to have a hand to hold...

 Loneliness isn't all that bad you know.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

I need you at your best so I won't forget...

"The opposite of ignorance is not knowledge, it is obedience..."

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

I'll bet that traitor tasted like your favorite champagne...

All the world is moving and alone. 

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

And don't leave a note, 'cause I swear if you wrote me I'd probably take it all back...

So great are these scars of pure honesty

They run deep like pine roots which grow while I sleep

I don’t ask for much, just for love and for life

But I’m just so tired of being the bad guy

­

Would you lay down your shield and pick up my heart?

The seasons can make it a new work of art

Somehow I fumbled my one guiding light

We’re passing through life just like ghosts in the night

When I leave,

You won’t know

How this genie inside me just won’t us go­

Bottled Up

Courting dust

I don’t want my three wishes, I only want one

And that’s the one thing just out of reach

By a mile.

Can you trust in me while I’m casting my lot?

I’ll whisper to you all the things we forgot

In the small spaces between black and white

I catch a glimpse of the truth in your eyes

When I leave,

You won’t know

How this genie inside me just won’t let us go

Bottled Up

Courting dust

I don’t want my three wishes, I only want one

And that’s the one thing just out of reach

By a mile

And I’ve had it comin’ for a while now

Cuz I’m always looking for reasons to frown

And maybe if you remember why I loved you

Then we’ll come to terms and the world will too.

When I leave,

You won’t know

How this genie inside me just won’t let us go

Bottled Up

Courting dust

I don’t want my three wishes, I only want one

And that’s the one thing just out of reach

There’s too many miles between you and me

Cuz’ love’s the one thing just out of reach for a while

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPrj53ydjbU

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men...

It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again.

When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums,
There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes...

  

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Chasing after gold mines, crossing the fine lines we knew...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

A thousand voices singing reasons of understanding why it happens...

Suddenly, I can't stop my eyes from watering...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

So close your eyes but don't dream too deep...

 Please pass me some memories...

As the horizon fades into grey and the clouds converge on the graceful passion spirit of this evening I have a reason to think that I'm forgiven of all that I've been forgetting. I forgot, how could I forget. So I guess this is it. It's not that I couldn't feel, it's just the fact that i've been feeling this whole time.
This one moment allows for everything to be different. That's just my luck. You see it's something like this, overwhelmed is just that. Overwhelming. This time I need to speak to myself rather than someone else. 

I'm not sure what to expect, but I'm not sure that I should expect anything. All my greatest adventures have been impromptu up to this point. They promise that one day I'll find what I'm looking for. Contentment is my friend for the time being. You see it is 2013 after all.

"It's for life...and I'm going to live a long time."

This year, I make my own luck...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTrT158J0FU

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Son, make canvas of coastlines so I know where I stand....

“The skeleton key unlocks the mind and swings open the door of imagination. A far better place than here A much safer place than there The quintessential somewhere The mystical nowhere The enigmatic anywhere My gift to you - the key to everywhere.
The mortal will find itself lost while the soul always knows the way it is grateful for the darkness and celebrates the day

I can give you peace my peace I give you... but I cannot be your savior or your god - I cannot be the light along your path - I can only give you the lamp and point the way.

The blind will see... the deaf will hear... but those who choose reason will never understand.

Woe to the ones who think they know the answers they will cease to ask the questions that may be their own salvation.

We possess the knowledge of the Universe from conception. Once born we are taught to forget.

If we cannot look out at our world and see our children's vision then we are truly blind we are unable to lead them to paradise.

"Even people who are in the dark search for their shadows. Shadows exist only if there is light. We will never find total darkness - not even in death... ...and we always cast a shadow no matter how overcast our skies become. You are never alone."

Do not listen to the voice that shouts to you from behind desks behind podiums, behind altars. Do not pay attention to the orators and the opportunists. Do not be distracted by the promises made behind masks. Listen to the quiet. Listen to the whispers as they gently guide you through the assaults of man's absurdities. Listen to the gentle breathing of your mother and lay your head to rest in her peace and in her warm embrace and understand that truth and power lie within you. Breathe silence.

The free bird will always return to the cage sooner or later to seek food and water and the loving hand of it's caretaker.”


--- M. Teresa Clayton

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

God, I need grace bigger than mouth. I need mercy that resounds ten thousand times as loud...

I wonder why there are so many anti-heroes in the real world. More than that I wonder why the anti heroes  command my respect more than the traditional ones. Like I've been telling everybody lately, I find myself equally attracted and repulsed by my influences and contemporaries these days. I'm not quite sure how that works. It's probably because I know who and what I want to be, but I'm either not sure how to get there, or I'm just too lazy.  My previous fears about being unintelligent were somewhat fruitless. Either that or I really am stupid and hard work really does pay off. Funny how I really didn't work that hard.

"Never compromise...not even in the face of Armageddon..."

Too late for that. The end of the world is today and I haven't done a thing about it. All these electronics are starting to get to me. Don't get me wrong, I love the beats but they're starting to worry me. I'm no tree hugging free Mason-type hipster, but I do sometimes worry about the long term effects of processed food, long computer exposure, and volume indexing.

Truth is, she's just so far out of my league it's not even funny. I'm playing it cool for now and it doesn't really matter which way the inferences flow.  The line was clearly drawn for me, and I won't ignore that. I can respect boundaries, but I can stretch them...I suppose. Doesn't help that I've lost touch with reality. I knew what true love felt like once, but It's been a long time. It's kind of like how as you get older you remember the taste of your favorite dishes, but whenever you eat them, they never taste as sweet. I'll find it someday, that is if I live that long. There are still things I'd like to experience, but I've got to shake this feeling somehow. If i was grieving I'd be somewhere in between the bargaining and depression stage. I think this what they call impurity.

Afterall, it's 2:20 a.m. and I'm just here blogging again. That's cute. Not really sure what good it does for me or anyone else. I'm the only one who reads this anymore. It was always for me in the first place, so if you're reading this right now, I might be insulting you.

"What's one more body amongst foundations?"

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

And when I get there, it won't be far enough...

"Like a sculptor, if necessary,
carve a friend out of stone.
Realize that your inner sight is blind
and try to see a treasure in everyone.”

- Rumi

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Without warning there was this total eclipse of the sun!

Sometimes, when I'm talking and people don't get it. It's times like that I really feel like doing stuff like this...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

You can use this as you will, but I won't cross my fingers yet...

 Somewhere out there, my future is waiting for me. I don't have a blind faith, but I do have a faith that is willing to close it's eyes and take the fall...

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Can't you see, I'm what you're looking for?

There is so much learning in the world. There are so many things to consider. How do I sort out what is most important? Still working on that one. I at least know what I want to find...

 "In all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory, or an unjust interest." - William Penn



"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

We keep the cash on deck...

I've got a confession to make. Sometimes, I will use big words because they sound like they fit in my sentence...without really knowing what they mean. Then I go look up the definition later. Sometimes it comes back to bite me...

You're welcome.

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

Poets do not go mad, but chess-players do...

         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZh5a2UAL5Y

            Something seems a bit off. It might be because I don't know what I'm thinking, but it might be because I know almost too well. You see a problem I’ve been having lately is that I've become incredibly sane, incredibly aware of what it is that's around me.  I find myself searching for oddities, possibilities, strange things and holes in the middle of society, but they've always been sewn up.  Even as I speak I stand at the window of my apartment without the slightest inclination that I'm to jump. I gaze at the street below to see the people going about their business and wondering how many of them are oppressed as I am. Slaves to their own society. You might look at me and say that I simply been watching Fight Club too much. 

            Actually what’s wrong is that I’m missing something, a sense of wonderment bewilderment that has passed me by for far too long.  I don't know where it’s gone and I'm not sure how to get it back. Everyone else around me is either questioning too much or not questioning enough, so where does that leave me? Only the ones that I look up to the most are silent.  Yeah I know it's the same old song and dance and I've heard all the songs played so many times before. But it's always my words that don't come out right. It's always the words of others that bewilder me. Heaven have mercy on me and me lack of control. I lost an ambulance race down the street. With it’s lights on and siren blaring, it was the only sense of urgency anywhere in this town. The only source of desperation I could find. I'm almost drawn to the desperation. Something about desperation makes one feel alive.  Now I'm just talking crazy. Has reason made me so beautifully crazy that I am now reasonable?

 I'm not sure I'll be fine in the morning, so don’t wait to find out.

 



"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

If all you were was a stepping stone, then at least I know where not to go...

                 I hate failure. Not measuring up, missing the mark, falling short of the goal. That feeling after I think something through and say, "Man...where did that all go wrong?" It's been happening alot as of late. I can't seem to escape this overwhelming sense of duty that constantly goes unfulfilled. For the first time in my life, I've actually begun to give up on some of lost causes. I'd like to think that it's in favor of a more realistic approach, but sometimes the details inevitably get lost in translation somewhere. People start to hate you for that, at least their opinion of you changes. Does anybody believe me yet when I say that I don't care? I think they're starting to get the picture.

             Maybe that's why I stopped setting goals for myself. I know, I know, that sounds bad, but it's really not as provocative as it may seem. Walk on me to get where you need to go. Step on me just to keep on keeping on. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere.

"God knows, I won't live a lie..."

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."

I've wanted to forget, I'm trying to forget...

"Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning." - Elie Wiesel

"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."