WARNING: Proceed with caution. The following words contain the desperate sentiments of a teenage philosopher. Read only if you have ample time to consider them and a mindset open to ideas...Additionally, the songs add to the ideas...by not listening to them, one can lose much power in the interpretation of the following post. Thank you.
“Life is a paradox, Tyler. Just get used to it…” That’s what I told myself today as I engaged myself in conversation. The conversation itself was ideological in nature and was intense beyond measure. You know how that goes sometimes. I dunno… you might not, but I just have those moments when my brain is racing and all of the dark passageways are, for once, lit. That’s what happened today, I was reading Dante’s Inferno for the second time when this particular circumstance attacked me…but perhaps I should start at the beginning…
This past year has been a strange one, as has been every year since I moved to Indiana. Of course, I imagine that every year to come is going to feel this exact same way. Things have happened, times have come, people have spoken, the wind has blown, the clouds have moved, and I sometimes feel as though I understand why. I simply consider myself a plain observer, I take joy in the examination of the life set before me and actively spend time considering the ins, outs, round-abouts and reasons why. Sometimes I come to conclusions, but other times I just punch myself in the face and say “Tyler! You Idiot…” (Sometimes other people do it too…If you deem it necessary, feel free to do so…just be ready to explain your reasons. *Smirk*) Some people (like my parents) call this feeling “growing up” I just call it…To be honest…I don’t know what to call it…but I love it, and hate it at the same time. Some days, I feel as though the entire world is mine. I could walk down the street and do whatever I want, because I’m bigger than everything around me. Meanwhile, other days, I feel as though everyone can see me because I’m covered in stains, dark, reeking, stains which are congealing on my face and clothes. Perhaps it should be described as “Reasoning.” All I know is that it leads me to talk to myself…something many people find weird. (No I’m not hearing any voices…just my own…) For the sake of writing, I’ll simply refer to this as “The feeling.”
In spite of it all, life has continued. For a Boy growing up in small-town, Mid-Eastern America, Columbus has given me many events and words to fuel this “feeling.” Everything from High school, to work, to girls (yikes) and of course, the words spoken by my LORD. I never quite know how to look at the world each day as I rise, and that’s what’s unnerving…but I digress…Those of you who know my story over the past four years will know what (I believe) was originally a catalyst for this “feeling.” And for those of you who don’t know what’s happened this year so far…we’ll just say that certain things kind of resurfaced (as they always do…aye aye aye.) Because of this, coupled with the fact that graduation is in May (YIKES!) “The feeling” has kinda taken off in HyperactivityGregManeyI’mgoingcrazyasIrunaroundtheentireworldinthirtyseconds mode. This is what my mind is like on a daily basis right? So that, coupled with the fact I drank a Monster kind of kicks everything into high gear.
So here’s the scene right? I’m at the IUPUC campus on a Wednesday morning, I typically hang out there these days before class and (try to) get some homework done. It being Wednesday, my NYPD Lit Forum assignment is due in two days, and I haven’t even started to read the new book, so that is what I begin to do. Having read Dante’s Inferno before, and not fully understood it in the first reading; I am thoroughly excited about re-reading this fascinating story. However, this time, I actually read the introduction, (written by the translator, Mark Musa) before hopping right into the book. I was suddenly bombarded with a slew of Biographical information on whom other than Dante himself. As I read this description of Dante and his ideals, I find myself strongly drawn to the person described. A man who grew up, was educated, was familiar with life both in and outside of the city, had a pleasant family, possessed (as far as we can tell) a happy marriage with several children, and one who’s entire life was steeped, mile high, in ideals attained which he simply wished to express. I mean who wouldn’t relate to such a character? I also read of Dante’s muse. At the age of nine, Dante supposedly met an individual who grew to be a Florentine Noble woman of outstanding beauty, who is known by the name Beatrice. Dante “who favored the study of theology and Latin poetic models”(19) is apparently a hopeless romantic (Figures…) who wrote many poems, and considered the ideal of “Love” quite a lot. These considerations, were, in his writings, almost always connected to (of course) his muse. In Dante’s writing Vita Nuova or The New Life, Love is the chief object of discussion. “The words of the first spirit describing Beatrice anticipate the first coming of Love in the next chapter and suggest something of terror…” Set up as a physical character love is described several different ways. “He is mentioned first of all as a ruler, but we learn immediately that much of his power is derived from the protagonist’s imagination…We are also told that Love’s power is restricted by reason, and later in the book the relation between Love and reason becomes an important problem. Two more themes are posited in the this chapter…the godlike nature of Beatrice, and the strong “praise of the lady” motif which sounds throughout the chapter, as the protagonist’s admiration for Beatrice keeps growing during the nine years after her first appearance.” (24) I’d say it’s safe to say that Dante passionately loved this Beatrice character, especially because she takes this form in just about every single one of his works. Being a hopeless romantic by nature (as many of my close companions can testify to) this concept of true love, in a character with which I already felt a strong connection, undoubtedly interested me. So I did what any reader would do…read on. However, what I would find wasn’t necessarily what I was expecting.
The writings went on to say, “One might even say that the Vita Nuova is a cruel book. Cruel that is, in the treatment of the human type represented by the protagonist. In the picture of the lover there is offered a condemnation of the vice of emotional self-indulgence and an exposure of its destructive effects on a man’s integrity. The “tender feelings” that move the lover to hope or despair, to rejoice or to grieve (and perhaps even to enjoy his grief) spring from his vulnerability and instability and self-love.” (25) Wait a minute... Did Mark Musa just say that Dante’s basic message consists of “Lovers experience intense feelings such as described because they are unstable and self-centered?” When I thought this, something inside me just screamed, “NO.” There’s got to be something faulty with that. It just doesn’t fit my entire perception of reality. I continued to read…“However, idealistically inspired, these feelings cannot, except spasmodically, lead him ahead and above: as long as continues to be at their mercy, he must always fall back into the helplessness of his self-centeredness. The man who would realize his poetic destiny must ruthlessly cut out his heart, the canker at its center, the canker that the heart instinctively tends to cultivate. This is, I am convinced, the main message, of the Vita Nuova. And the consistent, uncompromising indictment it levels has no parallel in the literature of Dante’s time. But of course, the Vita Nuova offers more than a picture of the misguided lover: there is also the glory of Beatrice and the slowly increasing ability of the lover to understand, although he must nevertheless confess, at the end, that he has not truly understood it.”(26)
This particular sentiment confused me profusely. I agreed with the solution, but not the problem. Without a doubt, romantic love as modern day American’s understand it can be formed upon a false basis of self-centered desires. Love in any form with such a basis, should be avoided by each and every individual, for fear of serious consequences. On the other hand, those who understand Christianity can understand know that true love exists and can be experienced. In first Corinthians 13 love is described, largely in part by what it is not, and partly by what it is. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Christians can also understand what love looks like by examining the words in 1 John 3:16-20, which state, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us.” Clearly, true love exists and can be demonstrated. Love, in its purest form is unable to be divided into two separate parts. The emotions which one feels and the actions which one performs, if they be products of true love, will be synonymous with each other. True love will never cause any individual to require the casting off of virtue or truth, in exchange for evil or falsehood. In that same sense, Love, in its purest form, is eternal and indestructible. This is true of love on any scale, be it between a man and his family, between a man and a woman, or between a man and God.
The issue then is this. The feelings described on page 25 as the products of such a “vice” as love cannot be damaging, unless one first believes that the faulty premise first given is truth. (Which the Bible basically says is false… As Phil would say ‘BOOM! Roasted…’) Maybe I’m biased, because I have experienced said feelings and refuse to believe they were the effects of self-centered love. However, everything inside of me screams that it is so. At the same time, I have attempted the solution spoken of on page 26. “The canker that the heart instinctively tends to cultivate” must refer in general to feelings of romantic love. Feelings of which I have attempted to deal with in such a violent fashion as spoken of by Musa in these passages. Even more confusing in my mind is the fact that I have performed said actions (however successful or not) in order to avoid that self-centered love which was spoken of, all the while still experiencing, hope, despair, joy, grief, and yes, a certain sense of enjoyment in grief. (Please crack all your sissy, emo boy jokes here before continuing to read…No seriously, you’re probably right.) I’ve felt it…and yes at times they have been because of selfish desires, but I refuse to believe that’s what causes them now. I’ve had the surgery. I’ve ripped out my own heart as much as living will allow, but I still feel this way…There are some days I cannot fathom why I feel like I do, because of all the confusion and foolishness on my own part, yet I still feel quite the same. Oh well, the heart seems to do what it wants on so many occasions. The complexity of human emotions continues to astound and amaze me every day! Yet, in the midst of all this…I still have never written a sincere love song.(Drat…) Some days I can’t even get the words to pass my lips, much less my fingers. But hey…that’s why I write, isn’t it? To describe the indescribable?
What if I’m wrong? If I’m wrong, I figure someone will eventually show me the reason why. And if not??? I dunno, maybe Dante is right. Maybe Dante is right and Musa is just wrong. Or maybe they’re both wrong. Maybe…just maybe…maybe I’ve got it. I'll just keep holding on to the words in Psalm 119:100, "I understand more than the ancients, because I keep Your precepts..."Ah well, sometimes I’m just too oblivious for my own good, I guess. I wear this blind fold out of my own free will, just hoping someone will have the good sense to either kick me in the shins or take the blindfold off. (One or the other) I’ve got no chip on my shoulder, no test of masculinity to past, and nothing to prove, except the fact that I desire to know the truth. I hope you’ll join me in this never-ending endeavor. Are you ready? Cuz it lasts forever…
Sincerely yours
-Tyler White
(Even if you don’t read anything else…please listen to this, you’ll get the basic idea. And if you're reading this...thank you.)
"I get so distracted by some people's reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. At times it's so self destructive, with no intent or motive, but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart..."
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